Moved on, but...

So my hubby and I stopped trying for a baby in Feb/March. We then argued about who was going for the operation to ensure no more babies. That one is still in discussions.
I was going to have a tooth pulled and since I was late, my hubby said to check to be sure. So dollar store test it is. Well at 6:15am on May 4th, that test came back positive! I was certain it wasn't working but hubby said, um...you might want to look again. I sent him straight out to get a digital and lo and behold, it said pregnant. We were overwhelmed and shocked to say the least. We had closed the chapter and in our minds moved on. So to know we were going back into diapers and schedules, we were unsure. I know that we are blessed and I feel horrible to say that it has taken me some months to fully come around and be happy. I never thought I would feel this way, but I guess that's why it's called a surprise.
I still have my moments where I say OMG is this happening LOL. There have been minor complications already, which is probably adding to the whole OMG thing. Because of my advanced maternal age, I'm considered high risk. I askedmy OB to have my sugar test early, so at 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I will be 17 weeks on Monday. I also found out that we are "watching" my blood platelets as they are a little low. My OB didn't seem overly concerned but it is on her radar. I'm trying not to google about it so that I don't freak myself out.
Both my kids are over the moon. I'm happy that my daughter will be 5 when this baby is born but on the other hand, she will be 5!! I just hope that the kids will all get along. My son is looking forward to a little brother and my daughter is convinced it is a girl (whom she has already named Rosie LOL). We didn't find out the sex of either of our previous pregnancies but this time, we are finding out. We have so many bins filled with clothes and we need the space. So it's time to purge those clothes.
So a twist in our family plans, but one that is going to be fun!!
We have told most of our immediate family and only a few friends. I don't know why, but I'm trying to keep it off FB. I'm going home for a visit in Aug and I guess I want to surprise some friends.

Time for the next chapter

So now that we have been trying for a baby for a year with no success, it's time to move forward. We are beyond blessed with the 2 crazy little monkeys that we have and although we would be happy with a 3rd blessing, we are getting settled as a family of 4.
My hubby and I haven't had "the talk" yet about who is going to take things to the next level of protection. I don't know if I want to go for yet another surgery. I guess we will see.
Now I can fully focus on my health. It has been going in a downward spiral for quite some time now and all the work I did with WW is going down the tubes. I have to take charge of my health now.
Eating - I try my best to eat healthy. We don't buy processed foods and rarely go out to eat. My problem is the amount I eat. And the lack of fruits and vegetables. So I have to change my meal plans to incorporate more. And make a point of not eating too much.
Exercise - this is a big part of my problem. I have such a problem finding the time to do it. With my DH gone and very busy kids, when the kids go to bed, I'm done. Like so done. So I have to figure out how I can get some time in to exercise without adding a price to it. I have a treadmill, so I just need to get down while the kids are asleep or something. I can't put my son in casual care as it will cost me money. Money we don't have.
** update **
I will be doing Day 2 of Week 2 from the Ease into 5K app on Wednesday. With my hubby home for the next month, I'm taking advantage and working out in the morning before he leaves for work. I'm not sure what will happen in the new year but for now, this is it. If the kids slept, I could exercise before they wake up. But my kids are up at like 5am, so that's a no go. I'm also going to try and incorporate some weights twice a week. At least for now.

Gearing up for the return

Only a few days left until my DH is home. We missed out on TTC this month, but will hopefully get a chance next month. We may actually get 2 months in a row to try and then he'll be gone again. I'm not sure how long I am going to give this a go. I don't think I want to be older than 39 having a little one. And I'm really enjoying the kids getting older. We have already decided that we are not going to do any special attempts - no fertility drugs or any specialists. I want to enjoy my children and I feel completely blessed to have them and if I get wrapped up in TTC like I have in the past, I just wouldn't enjoy it and know they would feel the stress.
So, if we end up with just 2 beautiful kids, then we are so very happy. If we are blessed with a third, we will be just as happy.
So here's to 2 coming months of just seeing how it goes, watching my CM and waiting for EWCM!!

Not much a-happening

With my DH away until May, there is nothing happening on the TTC front. I was doing well with the ease into 5K but I have had some late nights and the kids and I are sick again. Yet AGAIN. I'm so fed up of it. We have never been this sick. It's only since we moved here. I think it's because people don't keep their kids home from daycare or activities when they are sick, and then it spreads. It's so frustrating because I don't bring the kids anywhere when they are sick. So they suffer on missing their playgroups.
I'm hoping that they will be better. I need to lose weight. And I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to stick to anything and I know that I need to if we want another baby.

And it's a BFN

I woke up yesterday being dizzy, like I had never been before. It continued off and on throughout the day and then add in some nausea, and I was convinced that I was preggers. I picked up a pregnancy test while I was out and about.
I didn't sleep well at all last night, the dizziness kept me from getting a great sleep. So I took a pregnancy test this morning and it came back a BFN. I'm still really dizzy, and now I'm not sure what's causing it. It put my mind at ease thinking it was due to pregnancy but now, I don't know what it could be. Maybe just a virus that's giving me vertigo (which I've never had before). I dropped my DH off at work today because he has a short sail this week. And of course my MIL is away, so I'm hoping that this dizziness goes away very soon. UGH.
I'm sad that we didn't catch the egg. I thought for sure we would.
DH is not worried, we will tackle it again when he's back from his big sail this summer. The way I have to look at it, is now I have to focus on losing the weight. Maybe that will get me where I need to be. I have about 30lbs to lose to get to where I was before DD. The treadmill is almost 100% fixed, so I have no reason not to get going. Well, the dizziness is a good reason, but once that's gone, I'm going to do the couch to 5k.

2WW I *think*

So now that we are officially officially trying, I have been monitoring my cycle. I don't do temps because I would be so lost and also because it apparently doesn't work so well when you have PCOS. So I just monitor myself and the going ons down there. DH was away last week so I was hoping it wasn't going to happen then. I figured it would be by the weekend. But on Thursday I thought I noticed a change in CM. I made sure that we had some fun on Friday LOL. And then just like that, no more CM. Well, yesterday it was back in full force and then some!! So a little more fun was had! It was the perfect CM yesterday; egg white, stretchy and sticky! Of course DH is on duty tonight, so he won't be home until tomorrow evening. But I'm hoping we are gonna catch that eggie!! DH asked that I add onions to our meal last night as he believes that it gives him his "power". Or power to his swimmers. He's joking when he says it but it seems to have worked in the past!

So I believe that I am now in the 2WW. This is going to kill me. DH leaves mid-March, so we would find out if we are preggers just before he leaves. I'm glad for that! 

So here's to a quick and not too torturous 2WW!! 

January was a bust, as expected

So I am on to a new cycle. I am currently on CD 14. DH is sailing for the week so I'm hoping we don't miss the window (if things are working). I've lost about 2lbs so far, definitely not enough to get things working right again. But I have my fingers crossed. And I'm going to work at eating right this week and drinking lots of water.  I realized this morning that not only do I feel big and bloated, I actually look it. I mean I know I'm a big girl and all but I guess I didn't want to see it. I wanted to get a nice picture of DH and I but I look absolutely horrible in every picture no matter the angle.
I don't expect to lose tons of weight in 1 week to be able to ovulate, it is definitely a long term goal. But I'm tired of putting it off. Smaller portions. I've cut out soft drink and chips, so that will help (not that we ate tons of it) and I've changed to Body Wise bread. I don't eat after 7pm. The only thing that may kill my eating healthy this week is the amazing banana bread I made and monster chocolate chip cookies I tried. They are both sitting here teasing me LOL. I'm trying new baked goods recipes as I will be selling them soon enough. I'm looking forward to that. Bringing in some extra cash is always good!! And of course, I'm still waiting for our new parts for the treadmill to come in. Once I have those, it's Couch to 5K for me!! I find it easier to sneak a run into my day than a DVD workout. I don't know why, I just do. I have Jillian Michael's 30 day shred that I've done once. It's awesome but for some reason can't muster up the energy to do it at 9pm at night. And I'm sure you're asking the question, then how will you find the energy to run at night? I will, I love love love it. And I won't have to worry about waking the kids up because the treadmill is downstairs. The living room is much too small to workout and I worry about jumping around too much and waking the kids up. So once the parts are in and the treadmill is working, I won't have any excuse!!!
So here's to another TTC cycle and eating better.

Random Rant

Ok, I have to rant about this before it eats me alive.
On a chat board, a woman posted a question about who kept the sex of their child a surprise. So a number of us just stated what we did - some said that they had to find out cuz they hate surprises. Others, like me, think it's the only time that we will ever be surprised. And really it is a personal choice. Then this one ding bat (sorry but she is) says that you should find out the sex of your child because you will bond with your child. Or as she put it, the baby will be a child vs just a fetus if you don't know the sex. WTF!! Really?! Really?! I can't believe this person ACTUALLY believes this. So because I never found out the sex of my unborn lil ones, he/she was never a child to me...just a fetus???? How effing ignorant is that.
This BS ranks right up there with my top spot for stupid comments. Here is the top spot. I ordered a chicken brochette once at our favorite restaurant and discovered that the chicken wasn't cooked. So I asked the waitress if she could take it back and have it cooked.  I never return food, not sure why, but I just don't. However, this time I had to because the chicken wasn't cooked! She took it to the kitchen and came back with a word from the chef, "Next time you should ask for your chicken to be well done." Yup, I was told to ask for well done chicken. SMH. As a chef, I know that there is no other way to eat chicken. It is either cooked or not. I was so blindsided by the comment that I couldn't respond. Kinda makes you wonder who is actually cooking the food in restaurants LOL.
Alright, my rant is done. Just had to share!!

TTC or not TTC, that is the question

So we both haven't really made a decision about this month and are kinda flying by the seat of our pants. We'll see what happens. We aren't really trying but are definitely not preventing. So I guess we will just see what comes our way. DH is home for another month yet and then he will be off again on another sail. We are becoming more active which I love. I started watching what I eat a little more and have increased my water (or am trying to). We eat a lot more salad and raw veggies throughout the day. I'm also making lower fat baked goods as well. Since Monday, I've lost a little over 2lbs. I'm so very happy about this. I picked up a 30 day Shred video and have done it once so far. It's a killer. But I like it. I did walk for 30 min today, so it's better than nothing. It's hard to workout with the kids. It seems I can only do it at night which is not good for me. By the time 9pm rolls around, I'm beat. Ready to hit the hay. I will figure something out. I have to.
We are supposed to take the kids "skating" tomorrow. This should be fun. I want to skate too, but I think I should be on boots the first time, just to be sure. I enjoy where we are living now, there's so much more to do. I just want to enroll the kids in everything!! I tried to enroll my DD in a just gotta dance class at the local community centre but it was already filled. So, I will have to keep an eye out for the next one. I would like to do swimming but since I will be alone, I can't go in the water with both kids. I'll have to try to figure something out there. My DD and DS are both very active and need the programs to burn energy. I'm sure as I go along, I will find more for them. Can't wait!

Delayed TTC maybe

So after some discussion with my DH, we might actually put TTC on hold until May/June. DH made a very good point, he is going to be at sea for 240 days in 2012. That means that I will be alone most of my pregnancy with the 2 little ones. And with the pubic symphysis that I experience, that won't be fun. The plus side to waiting is that I can now work hard at losing weight. I've lost 50lbs in a 4 month time frame before. I might be able to lose 20lbs between now and May. So, that's where we are. I'm not sure if we've made a hard decision yet or not, but it actually falls to me. DH and I both want 4 kids but because of my "advanced maternal age" and other things, I think 3 is going to be it for us. Unfortunately. I want to enjoy my last pregnancy (again - this is if I still work!!) and not run myself into the ground before the baby would make his/her appearance. So I'm thinking we are going to delay TTC. I think. It's hard to put on hold because I really wanted the kids to all be close together, and if we wait until May/June, DD will be 4 and DS will be almost 3 when the next one comes along. I really don't know. I still have a week or so to think about it.

About to begin

So AF stayed away a little longer than usual this cycle. Not sure why. The only thing I can come up with, is that I wished it to be late so that DH and I could have some fun upon his return. So AF had a 42 day cycle this time around. So if all goes well, I should be "in the zone" somewhere between Jan 5 - Jan 9. I'm hoping that it works first shot. If not, we actually will have to wait until May/June. But since I've gained lots of weight lately, I don't know if it is going to work.I need to lose weight - that's for sure. At least I have 2 weeks to get started exercising again before we try! Then I can get into a routine and maybe exercise while preggers.
I'm so excited!! Fingers crossed!

Getting back on the TTC wagon!!

So now that we have moved a few provinces over and are slowly getting settled, we have decided to get back on the TTC wagon!! Yay! I'm excited and scared. Excited at the possibility of expanding our family. Scared for 2 reasons - I won't work this time around and at expanding our family LOL.
We won't be starting until the end of December as that's when I should be O'ing. And if that doesn't work, then  it will go to beginning of Feb. After that, I think it will have to wait until 2013 (which I'm not a fan of). DH kind of knows his sailing schedule for 2012 and it looks like he is going to be gone for about 240 days. So no real way to be able to TTC when he's not here LOL. But I won't worry about that for now. I'm just going to concentrate on December! Yay!!!

New things on the horizon

I can't say how happy I am that the house is now sold. No more visits, no more water tests, no more anything. Yay! So we will be vacating this house in 4 1/2 weeks. 4 1/2 WEEKS!!!! My DH "should" be home in 4 weeks. I say "should" because you just never know what may come up. Now, there are a few hiccups that we are dealing with at the moment. And of course there would be. We actually don't have a house to move to yet. We have to wait on one becoming available since we are going to be renting for a bit. So I am stressing a little about it but I have zero control over this, so I'm just kinda going with it. If there isn't one available, then we will have to live in a hotel for a bit. The other small hiccup is that we are still waiting for DH to be told where exactly he will be living for the next 2 years. It could be east coast or west. We are praying for east. I don't want to go back to the west coast. Although it is beautiful and a must see, it is a must not live there for me.
Aside from those 2 little issues, I'm looking forward to what's to come. We are going to work on becoming debt free, which will be attainable. Maybe not this year but early next year for sure. And that's going to feel great! We are going to be able to have a schedule. I'm going to be able to workout! DH and I are going to be able to go on dates! There is so much going on where we are hoping to end up. There is even child care (1 - 2 hour babysitting) at $5/hour. That is so great! I can do shopping without hauling the monkeys along. The sad thing will be leaving our small town and the country. We are planning on buying out in the country when it comes time move. If we are east coast, then country is about 30 min from the big city.
Lots going on in such a short amount of time!!

Stressball = weight gain

So here we are working on selling our house. We have an offer and the conditions need to be lifted by Wednesday. Well, I think that there is only 1 out of the 5 conditions that have been cleared!!! One of them is a problem with our water. It seems no matter what I do, it's not clearing. We don't drink it but the water should be perfect. It was perfect when we put the house up for sale back in April. Very odd that ALL OF A SUDDEN, it's not clear. I did another test this morning and my fingers are crossed, but something tells me it will come back bad again. I know, I know, positive thinking but it's hard these days. The buyer is also trying to work out his financing. He has the money from the sale of his house, but it will only be available April 2012. He's trying to work something out with his bank. Still no news on that one either! He's been working on it since the 14th!!!! That can't be good right? And of course the house inspection is "scheduled" for Wednesday as well. So needless to say that I am a BIG STRESSBALL atm.
And of course, I'm down about it all and not being with DH doesn't help. So my healthy meal making is all but non-existent (obviously any healthy eating is out of the question). Of course that means that I'm gaining weight like crazy. I had some great weightloss in July but then everything went downhill. I've gained about 7 lbs since then and it feels like 37! I'm bloated and feeling horrible. Some minor symptoms from PCOS are creeping back up as well.
With us wanting to work on baby #3 as soon as we live together again, this isn't the way to go to get there. We were very lucky with baby #2 that we had no medical intervention, but if I keep things going the way they are, we will be back to square one and seeking medical help for conception. I would rather not go this route.
I'm searching for the motivation to get back on the healthy meal train, but it's hiding really well this time. I know that I will have to do WW again to lose the weight. I will try the online version for the 3 month special. That should give me enough time to lose some weight and get ready for another baby. But again, that rests on us selling the house. So much is resting on this. Lots of prayers, fingers crossed and positive vibes. And if you have some that you can send my way too - that would be greatly appreciated :)

Just by a thread

Things are so crazy right now, that I'm keeping it together by a thread (just barely). I currently have an in-law living with us who helps out with the kids and chores but she will be leaving in the next 2 weeks so I will be alone with the kids. It's going to be interesting. Add to that, that we are trying to sell our house, I'm a wreck!! Everything else about our moving and to which coast is now also up in the air...I'm falling apart. And I can't for the kids.
It will be 1 year in November since my DH and I have lived together. We are both ready for this to be done. This, combined with all the bumps that we have been dealing with, really makes us rethink our choice to join. But, no looking back now, we just have to go with the flow. But I don't like it.
Of course with all this stress, my healthy eating and exercise have been tossed aside. And I don't really have any "me" time, so I'm trying my hardest to keep my sanity.
This is definitely a ramble/rant and I suspect that there will be more to come...

What to do, what to do....

Ok, so I don't even know who reads this anymore, but I'm putting this out there anyways.
I want to put together another blog. I know most people focus on 1 subject and work from there, but there's just so much swirling through my head these days that I can't just pick 1 topic. I LOVE to cook and bake. Love it. It makes everything better when I'm down and it's just the right pick-me-up. I can fit cooking in (almost) any time! I want to post about great recipes that I've tried. But then I also have a new found love for sewing. And I want to document my progress because I'm a beginner and want to improve. I also want to blog about my family and any crafts that we tackle together or projects that help me be a SAHM. So it would be a total mish mash of everything. Would you read something like that?
I toy with the idea off and on...I wouldn't give this blog up as this one is for my personal struggles, victories and thoughts. Hmmm...what to do, what to do???

Being a SAHM!

Even though I was home with DD for a year on mat leave and again with DS, it still is not the same as being home all. the. time. It's different. Being on mat leave is like vacation, you do things because you know you won't always have the opportunity. Now that I'm a SAHM, I have to schedule things so that I don't "do" everything all at once LOL. Don't get me wrong, I love being with the kids and seeing everything, being there for everything. But it does get crazy.

I am working towards a proper schedule to help me out. Pretty soon I will be alone at the house with the 2 kids so I definitely need to menu plan and schedule house cleaning. And with us trying to sell the house, I don't want to be running around like a maniac to clean before a showing.

And on the house selling note...still nothing. I wonder if this house is ever going to sell.

Back to our crazy life. Because DH is military, I am home with the kids by myself. I have help sometimes from family, but usually just me. It's pretty crazy. It's tough going shopping with the 2 kids, my DD is FIERCLY independent. She wants to go where she wants to go and that's that. So there are a lot of power struggles but I don't shy away from the confrontations when we are out and about. I can't. I hate the attention it draws and what some people must be saying but I have no choice. So when you see someone with some crazy kids - please be patient LOL.

I love being there for the kids. I just know that I need them to be involved in more programs. Unfortunately, they don't have any out this way. I will be trying a "gym" class out for DD but it's 45 min away. And pretty pricey too. I would take the kids swimming but there has to be 1 parent per child. So until I can clone myself, it's just me.

Down and can't shake it!

It's been almost 8 months since my DH left. We've seen him twice since he moved to Hali which is great but it's just not enough for either of us. The house has been up for sale since the end of April and so far, just 1 visit. My thoughts right now is that the house won't sell until next year.

Ugh. I'm home now with the kids as a SAHM and it's crazy! I have no contact with other moms since I live in the country. There is the EYC out here but the timings don't work with the kids nap schedules. I'm trying to keep them busy with all this rain but we are all going crazy. And well, when 8pm rolls around, I'm so exhausted, in every which way. I wake up in the morning and I don't feel like I slept at all. I was supposed to have help to keep everything top shape and sorted but that's not happening. So not only are we living off 1 salary, I'm going to have to hire someone to mow our lawn since it's not getting done and it looks like a jungle. I also have to tackle the gardens at some point but since I have the kids with me all the time, I can't do it. I really am down and cry at the drop of a hat. I try to keep it to myself as I don't want the kids to see it. And I can't talk to DH bcuz he's down as it is. He doesn't need to hear about me and that I'm down. I just wish I could shake this. Maybe once the sun comes out again!!! Ok, enough complaining...
This post was written at the beginning of May but I couldn't publish it.

Hard to Believe

It is hard to believe that in less than 2 weeks, my DH will be graduating from boot camp. Time went by so slow and so fast at the same time. This week has been hard because we aren't able to talk. Actually, we probably won't see eachother this weekend and then we won't be able to talk for most of next week either. To add to this not talking, we are all sick with very bad colds. The kids are clingy and driving me batty. We can't really go anywhere since I don't want them to get worse or get others sick, so homebound it is! It's been over a week and we are still sick - really hoping it goes away soon.
I haven't really been able to speak freely about DH's military choice. A lot of people have no clue that he's joined and at boot camp. We are slowly finding out details for DH's next posting which looks like it might be exactly where we want it. I won't say anything more just yet - I don't want to jinx it. The only thing that may slow everything down is our house. We can't sell until we get the go-ahead and can't move until we sell. So kinda stuck. And what sucks even more is that we live in a rural area where things don't move as fast. We've done A LOT of improvements to the house but who knows. So it's a wait and see game.
As far as my decision on going back to work or being a SAHM, it was kind of made for me. My boss didn't want there to be downtime and since it is inevitable that we will be moving and I will be taking care of everything alone, there would be downtime. So, as it stands, I'm set to go back in March. I'm going to use my holidays and stretch it to April and then that's it. I'm a little scared and am trying to get things organized so that I have days and meals planned. I want to have activities and things scheduled for the kids.
In baby #3 news, my hubby came home last weekend and said, OK lets try for #3! WHAT?! I actually had to say that we would have to wait a little longer. I want to wait until I lose some weight and get some sleep LOL. So depending on what's to come with DH, I think we may start to try in July/Aug/Sept area. LOL. Wow - a 3rd baby!!! Let's hope this body still works! My periods haven't actually been spot on since DS. They length of them varies each month which makes me wonder if I'm actually O'ing. I guess we will only know when we start trying.

Not sure what to do...suggestions anyone???

I'm official 37 years old! 37!!!! Last weekend, my hubby dropped a mini bomb on me, he would like to have a total of 4 kids!!! OMG - 4!! When we first met, we both thought 4 would be good but, once we had trouble, we knew that it would no longer be an option. I guess my DH really wants 4 though! He said he would like to have another boy and another girl. I told him that #3 is fine but not sure about #4 considering my age. We'll see I guess!
OK, so that leads to my dilema. My boss called me on Friday and offered me my old position at work, handling my own department. And to add to it, I can work exclusively from home! I should be jumping for joy! The only kicker, he needs me to come back early from my maternity leave. He didn't say how early though. The big problem, is finding and paying for daycare. We were actually thinking of me becoming a SAHM since daycare around here will cost us $1000/mo and I don't make all that much. We were actually hoping that I would have to quit my job because of DH's job. But, this offer changes all that. So far, I only really know of one daycare that will take my son who will only be 9 months at the end of this month. The thought of putting my kids in daycare makes me feel ill.
My hubby is letting me decide if I want to work or stay home. The extra income will definitely help us pay off bills and make it easier to get a home when we move. But not being with the kids would make me crazy. I thought perhaps having someone come into the house and watch the kids while I work would be a great option, but my boss said that it is not acceptable.
So I really don't know what to do. Oh and I have to give him an answer by Wednesday!!!!!!!
Ugh....