What to do, what to do....

Ok, so I don't even know who reads this anymore, but I'm putting this out there anyways.
I want to put together another blog. I know most people focus on 1 subject and work from there, but there's just so much swirling through my head these days that I can't just pick 1 topic. I LOVE to cook and bake. Love it. It makes everything better when I'm down and it's just the right pick-me-up. I can fit cooking in (almost) any time! I want to post about great recipes that I've tried. But then I also have a new found love for sewing. And I want to document my progress because I'm a beginner and want to improve. I also want to blog about my family and any crafts that we tackle together or projects that help me be a SAHM. So it would be a total mish mash of everything. Would you read something like that?
I toy with the idea off and on...I wouldn't give this blog up as this one is for my personal struggles, victories and thoughts. Hmmm...what to do, what to do???

Being a SAHM!

Even though I was home with DD for a year on mat leave and again with DS, it still is not the same as being home all. the. time. It's different. Being on mat leave is like vacation, you do things because you know you won't always have the opportunity. Now that I'm a SAHM, I have to schedule things so that I don't "do" everything all at once LOL. Don't get me wrong, I love being with the kids and seeing everything, being there for everything. But it does get crazy.

I am working towards a proper schedule to help me out. Pretty soon I will be alone at the house with the 2 kids so I definitely need to menu plan and schedule house cleaning. And with us trying to sell the house, I don't want to be running around like a maniac to clean before a showing.

And on the house selling note...still nothing. I wonder if this house is ever going to sell.

Back to our crazy life. Because DH is military, I am home with the kids by myself. I have help sometimes from family, but usually just me. It's pretty crazy. It's tough going shopping with the 2 kids, my DD is FIERCLY independent. She wants to go where she wants to go and that's that. So there are a lot of power struggles but I don't shy away from the confrontations when we are out and about. I can't. I hate the attention it draws and what some people must be saying but I have no choice. So when you see someone with some crazy kids - please be patient LOL.

I love being there for the kids. I just know that I need them to be involved in more programs. Unfortunately, they don't have any out this way. I will be trying a "gym" class out for DD but it's 45 min away. And pretty pricey too. I would take the kids swimming but there has to be 1 parent per child. So until I can clone myself, it's just me.

Down and can't shake it!

It's been almost 8 months since my DH left. We've seen him twice since he moved to Hali which is great but it's just not enough for either of us. The house has been up for sale since the end of April and so far, just 1 visit. My thoughts right now is that the house won't sell until next year.

Ugh. I'm home now with the kids as a SAHM and it's crazy! I have no contact with other moms since I live in the country. There is the EYC out here but the timings don't work with the kids nap schedules. I'm trying to keep them busy with all this rain but we are all going crazy. And well, when 8pm rolls around, I'm so exhausted, in every which way. I wake up in the morning and I don't feel like I slept at all. I was supposed to have help to keep everything top shape and sorted but that's not happening. So not only are we living off 1 salary, I'm going to have to hire someone to mow our lawn since it's not getting done and it looks like a jungle. I also have to tackle the gardens at some point but since I have the kids with me all the time, I can't do it. I really am down and cry at the drop of a hat. I try to keep it to myself as I don't want the kids to see it. And I can't talk to DH bcuz he's down as it is. He doesn't need to hear about me and that I'm down. I just wish I could shake this. Maybe once the sun comes out again!!! Ok, enough complaining...
This post was written at the beginning of May but I couldn't publish it.

Hard to Believe

It is hard to believe that in less than 2 weeks, my DH will be graduating from boot camp. Time went by so slow and so fast at the same time. This week has been hard because we aren't able to talk. Actually, we probably won't see eachother this weekend and then we won't be able to talk for most of next week either. To add to this not talking, we are all sick with very bad colds. The kids are clingy and driving me batty. We can't really go anywhere since I don't want them to get worse or get others sick, so homebound it is! It's been over a week and we are still sick - really hoping it goes away soon.
I haven't really been able to speak freely about DH's military choice. A lot of people have no clue that he's joined and at boot camp. We are slowly finding out details for DH's next posting which looks like it might be exactly where we want it. I won't say anything more just yet - I don't want to jinx it. The only thing that may slow everything down is our house. We can't sell until we get the go-ahead and can't move until we sell. So kinda stuck. And what sucks even more is that we live in a rural area where things don't move as fast. We've done A LOT of improvements to the house but who knows. So it's a wait and see game.
As far as my decision on going back to work or being a SAHM, it was kind of made for me. My boss didn't want there to be downtime and since it is inevitable that we will be moving and I will be taking care of everything alone, there would be downtime. So, as it stands, I'm set to go back in March. I'm going to use my holidays and stretch it to April and then that's it. I'm a little scared and am trying to get things organized so that I have days and meals planned. I want to have activities and things scheduled for the kids.
In baby #3 news, my hubby came home last weekend and said, OK lets try for #3! WHAT?! I actually had to say that we would have to wait a little longer. I want to wait until I lose some weight and get some sleep LOL. So depending on what's to come with DH, I think we may start to try in July/Aug/Sept area. LOL. Wow - a 3rd baby!!! Let's hope this body still works! My periods haven't actually been spot on since DS. They length of them varies each month which makes me wonder if I'm actually O'ing. I guess we will only know when we start trying.

Not sure what to do...suggestions anyone???

I'm official 37 years old! 37!!!! Last weekend, my hubby dropped a mini bomb on me, he would like to have a total of 4 kids!!! OMG - 4!! When we first met, we both thought 4 would be good but, once we had trouble, we knew that it would no longer be an option. I guess my DH really wants 4 though! He said he would like to have another boy and another girl. I told him that #3 is fine but not sure about #4 considering my age. We'll see I guess!
OK, so that leads to my dilema. My boss called me on Friday and offered me my old position at work, handling my own department. And to add to it, I can work exclusively from home! I should be jumping for joy! The only kicker, he needs me to come back early from my maternity leave. He didn't say how early though. The big problem, is finding and paying for daycare. We were actually thinking of me becoming a SAHM since daycare around here will cost us $1000/mo and I don't make all that much. We were actually hoping that I would have to quit my job because of DH's job. But, this offer changes all that. So far, I only really know of one daycare that will take my son who will only be 9 months at the end of this month. The thought of putting my kids in daycare makes me feel ill.
My hubby is letting me decide if I want to work or stay home. The extra income will definitely help us pay off bills and make it easier to get a home when we move. But not being with the kids would make me crazy. I thought perhaps having someone come into the house and watch the kids while I work would be a great option, but my boss said that it is not acceptable.
So I really don't know what to do. Oh and I have to give him an answer by Wednesday!!!!!!!
Ugh....

Latest update on me!

Well, the 6 weeks without my hubby were tough. I won't lie. There were great days with the kids and not so great days. But I just really missed my hubby. And he lost phone privelages after his first week so that made things so much harder. And of course, a lot happened while he was away. Just before he left, an aunt passed away. She was an aunt that didn't have any family left, she was alone. We took her in and made her part of the family, coming to every family gathering. There was no warning, she just passed away while she was in the hospital having tests done on her legs. Luckily, my DH was home for that and I could go to the funeral. Now I'm helping my Dad go through her things and empty her apartment. DH left on Nov 6. My only grandparent, my Nanny, went in to the hospital on the 13th of Nov because she had vertigo for like a week and it wasn't getting better. The news wasn't good. She'd had several small strokes. Then had a major one WHILE in the hospital - the hospital really dropped the ball and had so many screw ups!!! But that's a whole other post! I managed to have the kids babysat so that I could go to MTL to see my Nanny who was in a coma. That was the afternoon of Nov 24th. She passed away at around 2am on the 25th. I'm still devestated by it. We are a huge family and grandkids were my Nanny's main focus in life. She had 20 grandkids and 5 great-grandkids. My Mom was the oldest and her favorite. Everyone knew that. My Mom took care of my Nanny and brought her with us on vacations and such. When my Mom passed away almost 20 years ago, I took it upon myself to take care of her. Don't get me wrong her other children took care of her but since I was single at the time and lived 2 mins from her, I took her for groceries, banking, getting new glasses and everything in between. We also went shopping a lot - my Nanny's fave thing to do LOL. I guess you could say I was her fave grandchild. My Nanny was my "last" direct link to my Mom. She lost her daughter and I lost my mom - we understood eachothers loss. All this to say that I had to deal with the loss of my Nanny on my own. My DH couldn't make it out for her visitation or funeral. It was tough dealing with this and looking after my munchkins. Let me tell you that when my DH showed up here by surprise on the 10th of Dec (he got the weekend off!!), I hugged him and didn't let him go. He went back on the Sunday but came back on the 15th of Dec for a 25 day vacation. That was fantastic!!! The sucky part...we were sick almost the entire time. DH gave me a cold when he came down on his first weekend off and then we all got the stomach bug. Very thankful that it all happened while he was here.
So now, DH has gone back but should get weekends off now. Here's hoping. He does have his phone and ipod so we will at least be able to keep in touch that way. It makes such a difference.
He graduates on the 10th of March and leaves for his next posting on the 11th. The thing is that we have no clue where that is going to be. And if we will be going with him or not.
I'm set to go back to work on the 29th of March and I really don't want to go. We are leaning towards me becoming a SAHM but we'll see. It will all depend on his posting. But spending $1000/mo on daycare just doesn't make sense to me. It wouldn't be bad if I was making my old salary but I'm not. So I really don't know what we are going to do. We've also started talking about how many babies we really want to have. I have to consider my age...I'm almost 37. We were thinking of starting on baby #3 around the end of April, but of course it will depend on the posting as well. Then DH mentioned just the other day, that he would like to have 4 kids!!! A sister and a brother for our 2 munchkins. I would have loved to have 4 but I don't know. I guess it will be a wait and see kind of thing! But baby 3 is for sure. So we will start on that one later this year.
Ok, I know I covered a lot, but I'm hoping to stay on top of this blog a little more and then I won't have so much to say all at once LOL

One week...

I'll be honest, I really don't know if I can do this! Well, I'm pretty sure I can do this once I'm on a routine, but I think I should say I really don't know if I WANT to do this!! I love my DH so much. He's my best friend and the person that I tell everything to. What am I going to do without him or someone to talk to? I know that most women have their moms to talk to or a BFF, but I am not one of those women. I have great friends, but none that I really talk to about everything. I don't like people spreading my business around and so I don't share it! I come from a smallish town where gossip is like gold and I just don't want my gold going around.
My DH leaves in a week. He'll be gone for around 5-6 weeks before we can see him! It will be 1-2 weeks before we can speak to him. And we can only chat on weekends. It's crazy!! But I know he's doing this for us, for the kids.
To add to my stress, a close family friend that I know as an Aunt passed away yesterday. It was unexpected even though she had health issues. She was having tests done to help her but nothing pointed to her passing on so soon. She came to all our family functions and is going to be missed dearly. I don't do well with people passing on at all...I mean no one really is, but I cry at the drop of a hat. It's going to be busy the next few days with visitation, funeral and swearing in.
And on top of all this, I have to make some food to freeze and clean the house. Ugh...I hope I can do this!!!